Rainy Mood

Today seems to be unfolding as a wallowing day and I’m not sure that I can find it in me to stop it. More job rejections this week and a growing feeling that I’m not quite right for anything and cannot outshine competition. I’ve never been one to settle for mediocrity so this doesn’t sit well with me. I think most of all, I have an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, both that I miss myself – my true self, not the one grayed over by this unemployment phase of my life – and I miss my friends and family. So much time on my hands but so hard to make plans to see people in person. And for some reason, the older I get, the more phone-averse I become. Also, I barely have any friends I could call and have a wine date with over the phone since they’re all either pregnant or nursing these days. So I suppose these ramblings mean I am officially making today a pity party. Not the best approach but I feel like I need this day to be like this so I can make a big bounce back tomorrow.

Ragged goals

The older I get, the more I’m feeling tired. Not physically exhausted, but mentally exhausted. I don’t have the energy to go full throttle with my dreams for saving the world, saving the planet, saving the children, saving the animals. My idealism and raw energy that busted me out of the gates on graduation day from college and fueled my 20s is now quieted by a 30-something feeling, part complacency, part contentment, part selfishness, part mental/emotional exhaustion. And I think the mental/emotional exhaustion is partially self-inflicted by my ragged goals.

I don’t think I’m alone in this feeling; maybe I am a minority, though, in identifying the cause. Do you know what I mean by ragged goals? Ideas, dreams, goals, that are not necessarily unattainable but you’ve chewed on them for so long, massaged the ideas in your mind, carried them with you as they’ve been buried and then resurfaced — they’re tattered and it can be exhausting to keep yanking them out, dusting them off, and inspiring yourself that THIS time, you are really going to do it, you’re really going to make the change/take the action/set a plan to DO it.  The concept of attaining them has somehow crept into your identity, so that a small part of you has a warped sense and faith that yes, you will realize those dreams because they’re part of who  you are.  It gets exhausting thinking things through, remotivating, returning to your convictions. It doesn’t mean you don’t want those dreams and goals to be achieved. And I’m not afraid of failure. It’s just that I haven’t figured out how to open a can of whoopass on myself, how to want to grab the world — or maybe now, it’s not The World (as it was in my 20s), but My World (in my 30s) — so instead I go through thought processes that are wearing me down.

Do you relate to what I’m saying? Does it even make sense to you?

Nurturing Rule #1: Name What You Crave

When life feels “off” and you’re far from feeling balanced, it’s important to take stock and figure out what will help you move back toward your center. Many of us do this casually in our minds, leaving us with a swirling mass of “I need to’s” and “I want to’s” and “I wish”es. Claim some peace of mind for yourself by sitting down and turning this mass into a concrete list of what it is you’re craving for yourself. Of course, if you’re not an actual list person, you don’t need to feel forced to make a physical list; the point is that before you can better provide for yourself the things you crave, you need to know what they are.  More friend time, more family time, healthier eating habits, more evening time with your spouse — whatever it is, you can’t work toward it if you don’t identify what’s missing.

What are the major things missing from your life? Maybe they aren’t fully missing, but they’re playing a minor role right now and you crave the ability to more fully incorporate them into your life.

Momentum Rule #5: Make Plans

Not to be confused with Rule #4. Make plans so that your day/week/month has a framework of enrichment. You need new experiences to keep growing, living, and savoring life. And it’s not just the experiences themselves but also the anticipation leading up to them and the memories you carry away after them that bring you fulfillment. It doesn’t mean you have to fill up your social calendar — in fact, many of my plans involve just my husband and me, or are things I do alone. Regardless of who you’re with, holding yourself to some planned activities or experiences will get you out of the house and into the world, which will help move you out of the nesting/sanctuary mode that you can easily fall into, where home is what feels right. Unstick yourself! Get out!

Do you enjoy going places by yourself or does that make you feel sad/lonely? Who are your favorite people to share in new experiences? Are you spontaneous or planful with your adventures?

Hiatus

July was full of travel to see friends and family and August brought illness for our pooch and myself, so I took an unavoidable hiatus from the blog. I’m back and hoping to make writing on here a habit, and hoping to drum up some followers. Even just one or two would be gratifying

Others acting on your behalf

What do you do when others act on your behalf in a manner that you’re not comforable with? In a way that doesn’t reflect how you really feel and potentially projects to others a misrepresentation of how you feel? An act of solidarity for you that just doesn’t sit well with you? It’s not in my nature to be a confrontational person, so when others are more confrontational than I would be, it leaves me feeling uneasy and wanting to run for the covers.  You?

Discombobulated

One of my favorite words…and exactly how I’m feeling tonight. I had a wonderful 3-hour lunch with a friend today which lifted my spirits for most of the afternoon, but darkness is arriving and I feel out of sorts.  I am working hard to let go of a situation that was filled with hurt, lack of communication, mistrust, misconceptions, disrespect, embarrassment, and dishonesty which forced a major change in my life. It happened in February and I spent March practicing getting out of bed and eating, April practicing getting out of the house, and May visiting friends and family. June has sped by and some recent changes in what’s left of the situation I am no longer part of, have left me with all of the old feelings raging in me, like water lapping at rocks as a storm boils up at sea. Dust, muck and mud have been kicked up and I’m not sure where to go from here.

What do you do when you feel discombobulated and out of sorts? What serves as your anchor to bring you back to yourself and the feeling of wholeness?